It's sorted

I now know what "book" I am going to write. It's going to be an Autobiography. I have no idea of the title yet, maybe it'll come down in another epiphany... I've had too many of these epiphanies over the past 17 nights.

I can't describe it as anything but a curse and a blessing.

e⋅piph⋅a⋅ny
/ɪˈpɪfəni/

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

And please, if you are reading this, or care about me or what is happening, please comment your thoughts or email me! I love you all and I can't wait to share it with you.

Finally!!!

Sending this post from my new iPhone. Macs are so beautiful. I think I'm going to get a Macbook. Anyway I am really tech incompetent right now. I need to find a good plan. I think I'll call Jaks to see if she's back from her holiday. Yay for tech toys.

My Father is in HELL

So I say to my Father, trying to explain my situation. All the while him NOT FUCKEN LISTENING TO A WORD I SAY...

I am selfless...

He says... you are SELFISH

I WANT TO KILL THAT DAEMON IN HIM

Endless Cycle

I am certainly a sucker for emotional punishment. But with each invisible blow to the heart, each rampage in the stomach and each strike through the soul our bonds become stronger.

I never thought this day would come when I would be able to talk to my parents like they were my friend. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be swearing, accusing them of beytral, yelling at them for being thick headed and fucken stupid.

And at the end of the torrents of upheval there comes a tranquil peace and joy which resounds deeper with each battle. I know in my heart and soul this is the ultimate battle worth fighting for.

I used to think I was weak and pathetic for still being at home at 27 and single. But now I know the truth. Most people move out, to separate from their parents because the belief that they can't be changed is too strong. Influences from our birth tend to do that to us. It takes courage, immense emotional torment and suffering to rise above it. I have beat death, I have beat insanity and I will beat this battle.

I have never experienced this much joy in my life. I know my potential. I know what I am worth. The world better be ready for me, because I wont be hiding for much longer.

Just a fortnight...

Once you've lost your mind,

Your sanity is all that is left behind,

If you don't have faith,

From death itself you will not be safe.

Faith.

I did it, I opened a gap in their awareness
Let them be embraced with the flood of life

And on day 12, she slept! FUCK IT FEELS GOOD!

Perhaps it is all my fault?

An opening of hell on earth

I needed to vent about my parents ...Release some tension
Pollute the world with the fluidity of my angst and pain.
And so below I vented...

I have no idea what the hell they are thinking.

Why is their immediate assumption that a sleep inducing drug will CURE the unresolved tension within my soul. Are we all so blinded by our Ego that there is no hope of redemption? Why can't they try to empathise with me and try and open their mind to the actual situation, a child, a daughter, a girl, a woman in immense spiritual pain. A growing ache to be understood, to be comforted, to be supported, to be listened to.

How did I manage to find myself in such a dire yet blissful state. I know I cannot ever understand what I have NOT experienced, any analytical, logical, though provoked mind will enquire and discover. Why do some choose to remain ignorant? Ignorance isn't bliss, it's hell on earth, it's disorder, insanity, in a crazed illusionary world. Why can't they admit to themselves that you can NEVER understand something you have not undergone.

Words are inadquate to describe feelings, emotions and soul. They are too often misinterpreted and spun into the opposite of their original meaning. LOST IN TRANSLATION. It's obvious by the amount of violence, aggression, horror, death by fellow man. How can there be so much passion and belief in things such as religion and each group as adamant as the other that they are correct?

When did humanity stop thinking for themselves?
There must be ONE ABSOLUTE TRUTH

When will I sleep?
Day 11 of restless nights

[PAUSE]

And then I thought, is it me, is it me who isn't trying hard enough to be compassionate and understand them and forgive and move on? Am I the selfish, spoilt, useless, stupid, untalented child I always believed I was growing up.

Elusive Sleep

Alternative Therapy

On the other hand, research published in a 2006 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that cognitive-behavioral therapy resulted in greater improvements in sleep than zopiclone (Imovane) use did in adults with insomnia.

And that's a direct quote from eHow... although there isn't a reference so...? But it's something and a lead I would pursue if I had the emotional energy.

Power of Perspective

Grandness of the sky, reflects my tortured soul.
Yet beauty still resounds

Delusions...

Mind confusions...

Sickening illusions....

Deadly dangerous conclusions...

Ultimate demise in seclusion...

Mother Part 1:
Lucky you had medication this time. Only thing if you didn't get enough rest later in the day get (your brother) to accompany you to the see the GP at the medical centre to prescribe medicine that suits you and then you take it. Take it one day and then don't take it the next day. Take it to calm yourself down. You want to rest but your mind wont let you so you're frustrate(d) - Obviously English isn't her first language.

Mother Part 2:
My mum took a sleeping pill to (in her words) test it, see what it was like. The pretext to this is that the previous night I took one and I fell asleep but woke up after 2 hours of sleep.

(She took the pill) I slept through so I'm happy my head felt dizzy. Usually I wake up because I worry about (you). I slept through to 7am. I'm so happy. Daddy said I'm smart.

Early morning musings

I always thought I was an adequate bullshiter so I did well in English at school. This ability, however, did not extend to my creative writing. That was an area of which I was thoroughly lacking. At one point I thought all that was needed to make writing 'great' was a whole bunch of adjectives. I still can recall the line of one of my so called stories... something like "she took soft slow steps across the fresh wet grass moistened with the morning dew" Can you imagine a whole story written like that? It would bore you shitless. And to add insult to injury, I would always try a put a 'twist' (you know the type that was popular in the good ol' days of Paul Jennings) at the end) gah! So don't have high expectations of the quality of writing in this blog. But I'll do my best and on that note I wrote a poem (and of course it rhymes - and I'll even dedicate it to you CSG)

This a journey I never expected to take
Upside down with clarity of real from fake
How much difference a week can make
If I were all alone I think I would break

And some random scribblings:

I found my soul, my spirit, my essence, my being.
I am. I am complete.

You'd think this would be easy, right? I've felt so alienated this last week. It's been the hardest thing I've been through. It's like having all the love in the world and being unable to share it with the ones you love.

Have you ever had to question your sanity?
It is the MOST difficult thing.
Have you ever had your family question your sanity?
It in itself is insanity.
Times like this I live by my mantra...

There's always the sky

Staring up at the undefinable infinte space fills my whole with awe.
Awesome!

My theory

Bipolar IS NOT biological?

What do I mean by this? I was thinking about it, is it the chicken or the egg? Does the stress, life situation, a person's beliefs and thoughts cause 'chemical imbalance' or does the 'chemical imbalance' cause the episodes (depression and mania)?

I have always been reluctant to believe that mania and depression are CAUSED by chemical imbalances (there are many reasons why I didn't believe this but I will go into that later).

My life has done a 180 turn and I am completely in awe of this so everything is taking me a while to synthesise. The feeling is indescribable, it's so overwhleming and beautiful that I constantly am in disbelief and I have to check to see if I'm thinking straight. It's crazy but I've realised my sanity.

Insight?

Once a cheater always a cheater

Now I finally understand the power of labels. Once labeled it is very hard to be seen in another light. I've been labeled Bipolar I, and it's stuck, how naive of me. My mother even gave the example of criminals, that label stays with you, living through the thoughts and beliefs of others and to some extent even yourself. I didn't realise it until recently, but I even believed my own "bipolar" label.

Salvation is not an intellectual pursuit

What does this mean? I made a discovery that blew my mind. I tried to explain this to people close to me. It made a gradient of sense to them, but for me it was the final piece of the puzzle. In my unravellings of my "insight" my parents and cousin were concerned I might be starting to become manic again. Armed with sleeping pills and suggestions of seeing a psychologist they came to battle my war. A war which only existed in their minds. I had the "bipolar" label, and even my parents and cousin couldn't see beyond that.

Luckily for me, it doesn't matter anymore *phew, just in time* and this is in large part due to my consistent friend (who I will never be able to thank enough).

Open Minded?

I saw this on a sign outside a church

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

It made me laugh. I thought, does this imply that Christians are closed minded? And if that's the case would they say it's not a bad thing?

On their defence, one could argue that it's not being closed minded when it's the truth (assuming it is the truth). But being closed minded about one area doesn't necessarily generalise to other areas.

I was asked by my friend a little while ago... what would convince me go to a 'community church'?

For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible. Stuart Chase, Writer and Economist, b.1888

I believe that religious texts/meanings have been misinterpreted through centuries of just being in existence and for that reason I wouldn't "sign up". In the end, I wouldn't be surprised if they are all trying to say the same thing. So religiously, that's where I'm at at the moment.

Something of a Namesake

While I was trudging around the net, wasting time and being unproductive as per usual, I found this humourous site blog, The Sneeze. How can one not love a site named after a symptom of a cold or flu?

While on the subject of sneezings, life would not be complete without at least one viewing of this adorable sneeze. Gesundheit!

But back to The Sneeze... imagine my delight when I read about raisins! I mean, who posts about raisins? As it turns out raisins have a very powerful lesson to teach in a child's path to happiness.

"Have" a genuis

Speaking of finding inspiration, TED is a great place to start

I started with Elizabeth Gilbert's talk (author of Eat, Pray, Love)

I think my inspiration tank is now a quarter full... that might just be enough fuel for a couple of kilometres of action.

Inspiration

Inspiration.

Where to find it?

And once you found it how do you find the motivation to put the inspiration into action?

After all this thinking and writing will there be a result?

When all is said and done, a lot more is said than done

I like that quote, I got it from an animation 8 Irresistable Principles of Fun. I love that sort of stuff.

For the most part I get bursts of inspiration from things I see or read, but none of it stays with me long enough for action to take place. Recently I decided I would volunteer as a presenter to community groups about mood disorders (bipolar and depression).

As everyone gave their introductions I started feeling quite intimidated by the breadth of life experience and knowledge in the room. One of the older women in the group then said to me, "it's taken me 60 years to learn this, but don't compare yourself with other people." I'm going to have to work on that.

Anniversary

It's nearly been a year since I start this blog. To me, it's like having my thoughts spill onto an empty digital abyss. I'm writing, simply because I like to think and thinking seems so inactive so writing down thoughts is one step above that.

Anniversarys seem to jolt memories of past events. I keep thinking back to my manic episode and my time in hospital. Probably not the most productive thing to do if I want to continue to move forward, but it helps me understand and synthesise what I went through.

So have I actually learnt anything over the past year?

1. The way I think is incredibly mood driven


• I saw a clinical psychologist for a few sessions a few months after my episode and she gave me a handful of notes. One paper I received was information about 'Common thinking errors' and unsurprisingly I identified with a couple of them
• To think I actually held and believed these thoughts is quite confronting, for example, "I haven't achieved anything". I interalised this and thought it, it's a terrible feeling. If the past is any indication of the future, it's not the last time I'll have those thoughts.
• Whether it was my medication (Epilim 500mg b/d) that pulled me out of this loop of negativity or just time I'll never know but convincing myself to think differently really didn't seem like an option, so I took the sit and wait approach.
• My depression doesn't even have a trigger or maybe it is an undercurrent of prolonged stress which constantly just floats below the surface. What would happen if something devastating did happen to me?


2. I shut down in group situations


• Another thing my 'down' period made me painfully aware of was periods of silence. By this I mean the spaces between a topic, conversation or moment which were filled with a loud quiet. Previously I'd been unaware of these moments, aside from the usual 'awkward' silences that everyone experiences. But a silence shouldn't be painful, particularly when it's in the company of friends, right?
• I questioned myself, and a lot of my friends "am I always this quiet?", usually a mixture of responses, none of which I clearly could identify with. In the end, I've come to the conclusion, I'm less vocal than I perceive. These silences have always been there, I just didn't notice them before. Or now it could be the silences are filled with my eyes glazing over.
• I don't like to draw attention, I love talking but it's all very topic and people dependent, I prefer smaller groups.


3. I have no idea where my life is headed


• And it doesn't matter (... right now)

It's great how what I've 'learnt' is so bloody obvious, oh well, now I've documented it I can toss it aside and get on with whatever it is that seems to be eating up all my time these days.