Anniversary

It's nearly been a year since I start this blog. To me, it's like having my thoughts spill onto an empty digital abyss. I'm writing, simply because I like to think and thinking seems so inactive so writing down thoughts is one step above that.

Anniversarys seem to jolt memories of past events. I keep thinking back to my manic episode and my time in hospital. Probably not the most productive thing to do if I want to continue to move forward, but it helps me understand and synthesise what I went through.

So have I actually learnt anything over the past year?

1. The way I think is incredibly mood driven


• I saw a clinical psychologist for a few sessions a few months after my episode and she gave me a handful of notes. One paper I received was information about 'Common thinking errors' and unsurprisingly I identified with a couple of them
• To think I actually held and believed these thoughts is quite confronting, for example, "I haven't achieved anything". I interalised this and thought it, it's a terrible feeling. If the past is any indication of the future, it's not the last time I'll have those thoughts.
• Whether it was my medication (Epilim 500mg b/d) that pulled me out of this loop of negativity or just time I'll never know but convincing myself to think differently really didn't seem like an option, so I took the sit and wait approach.
• My depression doesn't even have a trigger or maybe it is an undercurrent of prolonged stress which constantly just floats below the surface. What would happen if something devastating did happen to me?


2. I shut down in group situations


• Another thing my 'down' period made me painfully aware of was periods of silence. By this I mean the spaces between a topic, conversation or moment which were filled with a loud quiet. Previously I'd been unaware of these moments, aside from the usual 'awkward' silences that everyone experiences. But a silence shouldn't be painful, particularly when it's in the company of friends, right?
• I questioned myself, and a lot of my friends "am I always this quiet?", usually a mixture of responses, none of which I clearly could identify with. In the end, I've come to the conclusion, I'm less vocal than I perceive. These silences have always been there, I just didn't notice them before. Or now it could be the silences are filled with my eyes glazing over.
• I don't like to draw attention, I love talking but it's all very topic and people dependent, I prefer smaller groups.


3. I have no idea where my life is headed


• And it doesn't matter (... right now)

It's great how what I've 'learnt' is so bloody obvious, oh well, now I've documented it I can toss it aside and get on with whatever it is that seems to be eating up all my time these days.