Freedom

I'm free. Well technically if you think about it I was always free... but now I am actually free, properly. Now I get to eat good food, I'd almost forgotten what it tasted like. I almost mistook hospital food for good food. It was bareable, with much salt and pepper. Oh the freedom of good food.

She said, she said

She said she would call my friends... to speak with them to get an inch more of an understanding of who I am outside the hospital's round walls. Does she? She said she did... Who knows. Well she's gonna try call you now Jaks, like she said she would call before... but she never called. *sigh*

Anyway I am enjoying my last day of temporary freedom Spring cleaning my room and milling around the place.

I must remember: It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop - Confucius (according to Google it's his birthday today. Hip hip Hooray)

A Change

Thanks to my dad, and I mean that sincerely with no sarcasm, I have weekend leave. All it took was a phone call to the doctor informing her of how the previous leave went well and that my parents want me home. I plan to leave there Friday morning and return Monday night. This means I am very close to being released, sorry I mean discharged. She did, however, increase my anti-psychotic medication (Olanzapine) to 10mg at night, for her own peace of mind (my mind is fine). I hate having to take it...

What are the possible side-effects?
Some people taking olanzapine may experience blurred vision, weight gain, sleepiness, increased appetite, dizziness, low blood pressure, dry mouth and constipation.

Well fuck that. Fuck her.

On the flip side I am joyful about my impending release. Everytime I experience the hospital system I come out with a renewed energy for life. In the past this energy has faded but I will not let this be the case this time. I have so many plans... so much to do!

Selfish Deux

Am I selfish for thinking people want to understand what I'm going through? There is enough going on in other people's lives. Does worrying about someone else become a burden? Don't worry for me - it might be a bit presumptuous to assume you are and a bit self loathing to suggest you're not - I'm perfectly fine. Frustrated, angry, annoyed... but fine. I have my health, and still I'm grasping onto my sanity.

Spiritual Emergence. I think I've experienced this in tie with my 'manic' episode. I spoke to Gini and she said not everyone who goes through Enlightenment goes through mania, so there is a small percentage of people who have both. There is a fine line between the experience of mania and Enlightenment. Who is to say I've experienced one and not the other.

I'll be in hospital for a little while yet, I have to reframe my view on my stay there. However, reluctantly, I acknowledge now I was manic. It's all so overwhelming. But I didn't need hospitalisation and I still don't need it, but that's where I am at the moment. I have to get out of this place.

Psychiatrists

I don't like them, they don't like me.

I'm sick of it. Sick of being in hospital. Sick of having limited freedom. Sick of sleeping just to pass the time. I'm going insane with boredom.

Sure when I get out, I'll probably look back on these times and think, hey doing nothing ain't too bad. They want me to take a CTO - so what the fuck is a CTO you ask (Community Treatment Order)? Basically they (the Doctor) ensure that I am compliant with medications when I am not in hospital. Yes, they can make you take medications you don't want to take, so you take them until the CTO is removed... it can be up to 12 months. It's like being force fed something (typically I wouldn't mind if it were food, but this is pills we're talking about).

There is nothing 'wrong' with me. Everything is 'right' finally and this is what I get thrashed upon me. The more you try to convince people you are okay the more crazy they think you are.

My doctor is an idiot. She's new to the whole thing and she's just trying to cover her own stinking ass. Have some guts woman and see what is right in front of you.

Freedom?

So close to freedom I can taste it. It tastes good, maybe a little like soft shell crab. I'm on weekend leave at the moment. Basically I am free for the weekend then I have to return bound to the 'roundhouse' at 8pm tonight.

Woo Hoo It's Monday

Now it may seem odd to you that I am excited over the prospect of it being Monday. The truth is that Mondays, and in fact any weekdays, are my salvation. Why you ask? Well simply because no decisions are ever made on the weekend so we have to wait for Monday to get reviewed.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein

My plan is to push my discharge as much as I can. I want to get out of the roundhouse! I'll never come back, unless it's with a scandalous news crew.

Early Sunshine

Life is Beautiful!

Up early, first at 3:30am, back to sleep then up at 6:30am. Went to bed at 9:30pm last night, such a grandma. Today Pretz, Mon and Joe are visiting. I live for food and friends. I also live because of family but I get the shits with them because I love them the most.

Prof John gave me a copy of the New Testament. Steph, looks like you got some competition in the conversion stakes. Thanks to you and Rita for visiting last night, it was great to see you!

I've done 12 pages of my book. It's going to be an interesting mess to edit.

The Plan

Woke up at 6:50 am. Milled about. Brushed teeth. Ate food. Watched some Leopard doco. Turned on computer. Admired CK's three lovely kids. Wrote blog. Thinking about my daily plan. Cursing S as she enters my room. Joy as S leaves my room. Stupid naive bitch. Thinking about continuing with my book.

* This plan is not locked down and may change at any whimsical moment

P.S. Prof John gave me a book last night. What was it called?

"Finding GOD through SEX: Awakening the One of Spirit Through the Two of Flesh" by David Deida, Foreword (or should it be foreplay) by Ken Wilber

His voice echoes through the halls in a sing song melody "Jen.... Jeeeen, Jen?"

-----------------------------------------------

The plan continues... having actioned the rest of my morning I can tell you about it now, it consisted of singing, writing and talking. Had lunch:

- Chicken Leg (crumbed and battered) and the marrow inside, crunched through the bone with no hesistations
- Cauliflower
- Potato
- Spinach and cheese rissotto

Now I'm sleepy...

Fucked Up

Two sides to every story. Oh boy oh boy do I have a story to tell now... Just wait, you'll see how fucked up the 'Mental Health System' really is.

Policies and Procedures

Now, after my non surprising failure of freedom, it is a good time to briefly detail the bullshit one has to endure to get anything actioned while in 'hospital'.

Step 1) Call Mental Health Advocacy, not on the weekend as all calls are diverted basically to the same people (hospital emergency admission).

First I located the number for the Mental Health Consumer Workers in the 'Consumer Rights & Responsibilities' pamphlet . There were two numbers for the different areas/sectors. The first number rang out, the second had some recording which directed me to the acute/crisis team at another hospital. They stated they would contact the psychiatric unit I was staying at. The crisis team did indeed call back and this made the Evil Mr Bean nurse (the nurse who was present during my initial admission) come to the unit to inform me that the Mental Health Advocates would be informed of my concerns on Monday. I stated that I was not content just to hang around and wait for Monday, as it was early Saturday morning.

Anyway, a lot of hooha later I basically had my phone confiscated. The nurses (R and J) abused their so called authority and threatened me:

"Give us your phone or we'll call security"

You can probably guess what happened. I ran to the bathroom, locked myself in the shower cubicle and schemed about what to do next. I quickly jotted down the numbers I needed to call. Meanwhile, in the background, a plethora of bullshit flew from the nurses mouths.

"I smell smoke (we - as in the patients - like to smoke in the bathroom as it is banned) there might be a fire, you have to unlock the door because of OH & S"

"You are harassing the crisis team, they are only accessible to people in the 'outside' community (well it'd be handy if I had known that)"

"You keep calling people and harassing them" When I asked who, they said "this is not a discussion" and I said, "when did this become a dictatorial soliloquy" and of course silence was the answer, followed by a repetition of "this is not a discussion"

Step 2) Phone recovery plan. Monday morning bright and early I spoke to the Doctors (fucktards the lot of them). They reinstated my phone and even so graciously allowed me to send SMS and call people with it. Oh how generous. The nurse S (young, mouse like and completely patronising) even watched and read my SMS before I sent them out to ensure I didn't damage my 'reputation'. I was quite happy when I told her, "shut up S, you don't give a shit about my reputation".

Step 3) Go with the flow of the legal system. It's still bullshit, but I just wanted to see how far you can take it. The Magistrate hearing is held weekly every Tuesday. From what I gather, all patients have the right to access this service. We're provided with a solicitor from Legal Aid (part of Mental Health Advocacy service). Last year my solicitor drew on their shoe whilst taking with me, this year at least she listened and told me what to do next if the result wasn't to my satisfaction. And of course the result was not to my satisfaction, the hearing was adjourned for up to 14 days. WTF.

Step 4) Take it to the Mental Health Tribunal. Three idiots reside at the top, a lawyer, a psychiatrist and a community member, sounds like a bad joke. Three idiots make a decision, BAM, let's listen to the Doctor!

Step 5) Understand that the next step is to the Supreme Court, pfft, fat chance and a waste of my time, money and energy. So there ends the 'rights' journey of the person with a mental illness. Fascinating isn't it, aren't you glad I got to experience it first hand.

Step 6) Bludge off tax payers money, holidaying, while in hospital and write my damn book.

Life without Life

Devasting.

Okay so maybe that is an overraction but I am quite disappointed that I wont be able to join my friends at Anh's hens night. I am so in the mood to party it up and get out of this shit hole.

*fingers crossed* I hope the Mental Health Tribunal delivers it's verdict fairly. I am slightly doubtful but as always, striving to remain positive. CSG you better be crossing your double jointed fingers for me - you're leaving soon, hope you have a wonderful time!

It is so sad to have to part
From the world that I had my start
My whims are like a dart
and food is the pathway to my heart

Thank you everyone for visiting, thank you for all that FOOD. God, I love you guys! I am so very very blessed.

A Day in the Life of...

What is there to do here?

6:00 am - wake up
6: 30 am - mill about my room and play with my iPhone
6:50 am - brush my teeth
7:00 am - eat breakfast (always cereal, toast or baked beans/spaghetti)
7:30 am - paint my face, wear human clothes
8:00 am - take the pills
8:10 am - talk randomly to patients, draw, read, write, sing
12:00 pm - run down to lunch and be first in line
12:30 pm - regret eating so much food
12:40 pm - get over regret and look forward to dinner
1:00 pm - talk to more patients, write, phone and message people randomly.
2:00 pm - participate in any 'subacute' group activities
3:00 pm - much of a muchness
5:30 pm - dinner
8:00 pm - sometimes supper (sandwiches and cheese - fromage my favourite.)
8:00 pm - medication time, swallow swallow.
8:30 pm - Talk to my roomies, write, write, write
10:00 pm - brush teeth, get ready for sleep

AND it just repeats again and again! Fucking circular roundhouse.

Morning Musings

Three sneezes and a diary entry.

Good morning world, when will I see you again?

I don't like repeating myself unnecessarily so all the details on what it's like to be on the "inside" will be revealed in my "book". But I will say this, thank you so much to everyone that has thought of me during this difficult (yet strangely tranquil and enjoyable) time. I love you all and I can't wait to share life with you again.

There is so much to look forward too, I have already decided one of my first meals when I get out of here will be Japanese and definitely involve 'soft shell crab'. Dear Mr. Crab I am so in love with you.

Speaking of 'love' and 'crushes' and the like, I met a very cute Dr in here, well technically he's not a doctor yet but a registrar or something to that effect. Anyway, he's a bit pasty but he has nice features, a Canadian accent and a gorgeous smile.

On an aside, last night was my first 'sleep talk and walk' experience. It's bizarre. My roomie, Sharon, was thinking WTF... hilarious.

Navigating the Maze

Who knew working from inside here would be so challenging. It's like my whole 'mental illness' life has come full circle. I am quite content to be in here, I have learnt so much from the other patients, the student nurses, SOME of the nurses (a definitely minority) and even rarer, the Doctors.

Typically the higher up in the hierarchy, the further their heads are up their arses. Time sometimes plays a role, the longer they have been working and the more they believe they have the "experience" and "knowledge" the greater likelihood of them being deaf and blind to what is right in front of them.

Oooh... hold that thought, it's dinner time. Usually it's around 5 - 5:30 so we are actually eating late tonight, how "normal" of us.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Alright I'm back. Dinner was lasagna, one of my favourite foods. Unfortunately it looked like watered down liquified cheesey bubbles and sloppy meat. BUT I still loved it. I think the patients keep looking at me funny when I sing about the food and being first in "line" all the time.

I was going to write about the process I went through to get and appointment with the 'Mental Health Tribunal' but I can't be bothered now. See, I just stuffed my face with 'Sweet Chilli and Sour Cream' chips. Now I am bloaty, content and blank.

Deja vu

And here we are again. If you know me, and I would say most of you do know aspects of me. You will know where I am right now. Interestingly so, this reprieve from the 'outside' world will give me the opportunity to focus on writting my book.

Not in a million years would I ever have fancied writting a book, let alone a book about myself. But now that I have a message to send, I have the drive and determination to see it through to completion.

I've been make uping myself (aka applying whacky make up... including hot pink mascara which rocks) while I've been in here, by the end of my stay I should hope I've improved.

Mens sana in Corpe Sano - A sound mind in a sound body

I met 'Prof John' today. A man here with me with a Phd in Mathematics amongst other things. Now, you tell me who is crazy, them or us. He gave me two cards, one with rounded corner, one with sharp corners, both saying the same thing. He advised me I should give this to my future boyfriend or soul partner...

To form a nucleus of Universal Brotherhood of Humanity without distinction of race, creed, sex, caste, or colour.

To encourage the study of comparative religion, philosophy and science.

To investigate unexplained laws of Nature and the powers latent in man.

(adopted by the Theosophical Society in 1896)

Let me tell you the story of the old woman who was blind to her heart.

I saw the magistrate today, to sum it up, I am unwell and I "need" to be in here for 'up to 14 days' while the medication takes time to "work". All this from the mouth of a Dr who has only spoken to me once, met me twice. How quick judgement is passed upon those who are labelled. I feel like I have a God damn scarlet letter pinned to my dainty pink cardigan.

It's sorted

I now know what "book" I am going to write. It's going to be an Autobiography. I have no idea of the title yet, maybe it'll come down in another epiphany... I've had too many of these epiphanies over the past 17 nights.

I can't describe it as anything but a curse and a blessing.

e⋅piph⋅a⋅ny
/ɪˈpɪfəni/

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

And please, if you are reading this, or care about me or what is happening, please comment your thoughts or email me! I love you all and I can't wait to share it with you.

Finally!!!

Sending this post from my new iPhone. Macs are so beautiful. I think I'm going to get a Macbook. Anyway I am really tech incompetent right now. I need to find a good plan. I think I'll call Jaks to see if she's back from her holiday. Yay for tech toys.

My Father is in HELL

So I say to my Father, trying to explain my situation. All the while him NOT FUCKEN LISTENING TO A WORD I SAY...

I am selfless...

He says... you are SELFISH

I WANT TO KILL THAT DAEMON IN HIM

Endless Cycle

I am certainly a sucker for emotional punishment. But with each invisible blow to the heart, each rampage in the stomach and each strike through the soul our bonds become stronger.

I never thought this day would come when I would be able to talk to my parents like they were my friend. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be swearing, accusing them of beytral, yelling at them for being thick headed and fucken stupid.

And at the end of the torrents of upheval there comes a tranquil peace and joy which resounds deeper with each battle. I know in my heart and soul this is the ultimate battle worth fighting for.

I used to think I was weak and pathetic for still being at home at 27 and single. But now I know the truth. Most people move out, to separate from their parents because the belief that they can't be changed is too strong. Influences from our birth tend to do that to us. It takes courage, immense emotional torment and suffering to rise above it. I have beat death, I have beat insanity and I will beat this battle.

I have never experienced this much joy in my life. I know my potential. I know what I am worth. The world better be ready for me, because I wont be hiding for much longer.

Just a fortnight...

Once you've lost your mind,

Your sanity is all that is left behind,

If you don't have faith,

From death itself you will not be safe.

Faith.

I did it, I opened a gap in their awareness
Let them be embraced with the flood of life

And on day 12, she slept! FUCK IT FEELS GOOD!

Perhaps it is all my fault?

An opening of hell on earth

I needed to vent about my parents ...Release some tension
Pollute the world with the fluidity of my angst and pain.
And so below I vented...

I have no idea what the hell they are thinking.

Why is their immediate assumption that a sleep inducing drug will CURE the unresolved tension within my soul. Are we all so blinded by our Ego that there is no hope of redemption? Why can't they try to empathise with me and try and open their mind to the actual situation, a child, a daughter, a girl, a woman in immense spiritual pain. A growing ache to be understood, to be comforted, to be supported, to be listened to.

How did I manage to find myself in such a dire yet blissful state. I know I cannot ever understand what I have NOT experienced, any analytical, logical, though provoked mind will enquire and discover. Why do some choose to remain ignorant? Ignorance isn't bliss, it's hell on earth, it's disorder, insanity, in a crazed illusionary world. Why can't they admit to themselves that you can NEVER understand something you have not undergone.

Words are inadquate to describe feelings, emotions and soul. They are too often misinterpreted and spun into the opposite of their original meaning. LOST IN TRANSLATION. It's obvious by the amount of violence, aggression, horror, death by fellow man. How can there be so much passion and belief in things such as religion and each group as adamant as the other that they are correct?

When did humanity stop thinking for themselves?
There must be ONE ABSOLUTE TRUTH

When will I sleep?
Day 11 of restless nights

[PAUSE]

And then I thought, is it me, is it me who isn't trying hard enough to be compassionate and understand them and forgive and move on? Am I the selfish, spoilt, useless, stupid, untalented child I always believed I was growing up.

Elusive Sleep

Alternative Therapy

On the other hand, research published in a 2006 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that cognitive-behavioral therapy resulted in greater improvements in sleep than zopiclone (Imovane) use did in adults with insomnia.

And that's a direct quote from eHow... although there isn't a reference so...? But it's something and a lead I would pursue if I had the emotional energy.

Power of Perspective

Grandness of the sky, reflects my tortured soul.
Yet beauty still resounds

Delusions...

Mind confusions...

Sickening illusions....

Deadly dangerous conclusions...

Ultimate demise in seclusion...

Mother Part 1:
Lucky you had medication this time. Only thing if you didn't get enough rest later in the day get (your brother) to accompany you to the see the GP at the medical centre to prescribe medicine that suits you and then you take it. Take it one day and then don't take it the next day. Take it to calm yourself down. You want to rest but your mind wont let you so you're frustrate(d) - Obviously English isn't her first language.

Mother Part 2:
My mum took a sleeping pill to (in her words) test it, see what it was like. The pretext to this is that the previous night I took one and I fell asleep but woke up after 2 hours of sleep.

(She took the pill) I slept through so I'm happy my head felt dizzy. Usually I wake up because I worry about (you). I slept through to 7am. I'm so happy. Daddy said I'm smart.

Early morning musings

I always thought I was an adequate bullshiter so I did well in English at school. This ability, however, did not extend to my creative writing. That was an area of which I was thoroughly lacking. At one point I thought all that was needed to make writing 'great' was a whole bunch of adjectives. I still can recall the line of one of my so called stories... something like "she took soft slow steps across the fresh wet grass moistened with the morning dew" Can you imagine a whole story written like that? It would bore you shitless. And to add insult to injury, I would always try a put a 'twist' (you know the type that was popular in the good ol' days of Paul Jennings) at the end) gah! So don't have high expectations of the quality of writing in this blog. But I'll do my best and on that note I wrote a poem (and of course it rhymes - and I'll even dedicate it to you CSG)

This a journey I never expected to take
Upside down with clarity of real from fake
How much difference a week can make
If I were all alone I think I would break

And some random scribblings:

I found my soul, my spirit, my essence, my being.
I am. I am complete.

You'd think this would be easy, right? I've felt so alienated this last week. It's been the hardest thing I've been through. It's like having all the love in the world and being unable to share it with the ones you love.

Have you ever had to question your sanity?
It is the MOST difficult thing.
Have you ever had your family question your sanity?
It in itself is insanity.
Times like this I live by my mantra...

There's always the sky

Staring up at the undefinable infinte space fills my whole with awe.
Awesome!

My theory

Bipolar IS NOT biological?

What do I mean by this? I was thinking about it, is it the chicken or the egg? Does the stress, life situation, a person's beliefs and thoughts cause 'chemical imbalance' or does the 'chemical imbalance' cause the episodes (depression and mania)?

I have always been reluctant to believe that mania and depression are CAUSED by chemical imbalances (there are many reasons why I didn't believe this but I will go into that later).

My life has done a 180 turn and I am completely in awe of this so everything is taking me a while to synthesise. The feeling is indescribable, it's so overwhleming and beautiful that I constantly am in disbelief and I have to check to see if I'm thinking straight. It's crazy but I've realised my sanity.

Insight?

Once a cheater always a cheater

Now I finally understand the power of labels. Once labeled it is very hard to be seen in another light. I've been labeled Bipolar I, and it's stuck, how naive of me. My mother even gave the example of criminals, that label stays with you, living through the thoughts and beliefs of others and to some extent even yourself. I didn't realise it until recently, but I even believed my own "bipolar" label.

Salvation is not an intellectual pursuit

What does this mean? I made a discovery that blew my mind. I tried to explain this to people close to me. It made a gradient of sense to them, but for me it was the final piece of the puzzle. In my unravellings of my "insight" my parents and cousin were concerned I might be starting to become manic again. Armed with sleeping pills and suggestions of seeing a psychologist they came to battle my war. A war which only existed in their minds. I had the "bipolar" label, and even my parents and cousin couldn't see beyond that.

Luckily for me, it doesn't matter anymore *phew, just in time* and this is in large part due to my consistent friend (who I will never be able to thank enough).

Open Minded?

I saw this on a sign outside a church

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

It made me laugh. I thought, does this imply that Christians are closed minded? And if that's the case would they say it's not a bad thing?

On their defence, one could argue that it's not being closed minded when it's the truth (assuming it is the truth). But being closed minded about one area doesn't necessarily generalise to other areas.

I was asked by my friend a little while ago... what would convince me go to a 'community church'?

For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible. Stuart Chase, Writer and Economist, b.1888

I believe that religious texts/meanings have been misinterpreted through centuries of just being in existence and for that reason I wouldn't "sign up". In the end, I wouldn't be surprised if they are all trying to say the same thing. So religiously, that's where I'm at at the moment.

Something of a Namesake

While I was trudging around the net, wasting time and being unproductive as per usual, I found this humourous site blog, The Sneeze. How can one not love a site named after a symptom of a cold or flu?

While on the subject of sneezings, life would not be complete without at least one viewing of this adorable sneeze. Gesundheit!

But back to The Sneeze... imagine my delight when I read about raisins! I mean, who posts about raisins? As it turns out raisins have a very powerful lesson to teach in a child's path to happiness.

"Have" a genuis

Speaking of finding inspiration, TED is a great place to start

I started with Elizabeth Gilbert's talk (author of Eat, Pray, Love)

I think my inspiration tank is now a quarter full... that might just be enough fuel for a couple of kilometres of action.

Inspiration

Inspiration.

Where to find it?

And once you found it how do you find the motivation to put the inspiration into action?

After all this thinking and writing will there be a result?

When all is said and done, a lot more is said than done

I like that quote, I got it from an animation 8 Irresistable Principles of Fun. I love that sort of stuff.

For the most part I get bursts of inspiration from things I see or read, but none of it stays with me long enough for action to take place. Recently I decided I would volunteer as a presenter to community groups about mood disorders (bipolar and depression).

As everyone gave their introductions I started feeling quite intimidated by the breadth of life experience and knowledge in the room. One of the older women in the group then said to me, "it's taken me 60 years to learn this, but don't compare yourself with other people." I'm going to have to work on that.

Anniversary

It's nearly been a year since I start this blog. To me, it's like having my thoughts spill onto an empty digital abyss. I'm writing, simply because I like to think and thinking seems so inactive so writing down thoughts is one step above that.

Anniversarys seem to jolt memories of past events. I keep thinking back to my manic episode and my time in hospital. Probably not the most productive thing to do if I want to continue to move forward, but it helps me understand and synthesise what I went through.

So have I actually learnt anything over the past year?

1. The way I think is incredibly mood driven


• I saw a clinical psychologist for a few sessions a few months after my episode and she gave me a handful of notes. One paper I received was information about 'Common thinking errors' and unsurprisingly I identified with a couple of them
• To think I actually held and believed these thoughts is quite confronting, for example, "I haven't achieved anything". I interalised this and thought it, it's a terrible feeling. If the past is any indication of the future, it's not the last time I'll have those thoughts.
• Whether it was my medication (Epilim 500mg b/d) that pulled me out of this loop of negativity or just time I'll never know but convincing myself to think differently really didn't seem like an option, so I took the sit and wait approach.
• My depression doesn't even have a trigger or maybe it is an undercurrent of prolonged stress which constantly just floats below the surface. What would happen if something devastating did happen to me?


2. I shut down in group situations


• Another thing my 'down' period made me painfully aware of was periods of silence. By this I mean the spaces between a topic, conversation or moment which were filled with a loud quiet. Previously I'd been unaware of these moments, aside from the usual 'awkward' silences that everyone experiences. But a silence shouldn't be painful, particularly when it's in the company of friends, right?
• I questioned myself, and a lot of my friends "am I always this quiet?", usually a mixture of responses, none of which I clearly could identify with. In the end, I've come to the conclusion, I'm less vocal than I perceive. These silences have always been there, I just didn't notice them before. Or now it could be the silences are filled with my eyes glazing over.
• I don't like to draw attention, I love talking but it's all very topic and people dependent, I prefer smaller groups.


3. I have no idea where my life is headed


• And it doesn't matter (... right now)

It's great how what I've 'learnt' is so bloody obvious, oh well, now I've documented it I can toss it aside and get on with whatever it is that seems to be eating up all my time these days.

Thoughtless

My head is filled with too many useless thoughts. But then again who is to judge what thoughts are considered valuable.

I realise that I have to move myself forward, at the end of the day noone, or nothing will change you, only yourself. That's a confronting thought for someone like me who is so comfortable in the absence of change.

New Year, New Me?

So the new year has come and gone, it's all in the head. So I went to see my case manager and the Dr was unable to unattend, apparently they are useless at keeping to appointments. As a consequence I am still on my 5 mg at night. Today is my last pill, so after this it's a self directed ceasation of medication.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing with my life? I'm still very interested in the view point of bipolarorwakingup on YouTube. It's intriguing and refreshing view on bipolar.